Not sure where to begin, I am hoping for some feedback… My sobriety date is May 20, 1983. I was blessed to have a counselor who understood addiction as I learned a year later, she was recovering.
With the help of Leon county Sheriff’s office, I was facing time for the ” Rico” act charge along with 22 others. I know today it was grace giving me another chance. After many times of trying suicide and not successful of course 🤔 I am writing you.
Anyway, I was given an option to go to treatment or my counselor would stop working with me. So I went to a woman’s treatment center, called “AWARE”. I still remembered as real as it was when it happened today, the moment I realized I was an alcoholic. I cried and I laughed for I don’t know how long it was but it seemed like forever.
I was blessed to find a sponsor or I should say She found me. She was from a world completely opposite of me. When she came up to me laughing and talking about steps and she would work with me. I didn’t want to hurt her by telling her I was in no way going to be around her for very long. , She just wouldn’t take a hint. I was in awe of this crazy woman and didn’t understand what I felt…Today I know I was blessed with recovery because she wouldn’t give up on me.
Recovery in early days was something I couldn’t have dreamed of, I had to learn how to go one day in life, take care of two kids, and not have a drink or a drug…. I was walking in a world I had never known with people I had never known. I left Florida after my second birthday, I ran away with the first 13th step I met. Oh boy when you hear ‘no’ from everyone you but you go ahead not knowing, your thinking got you where you were, as a mother who didn’t know how to be an adult. I thought Alaska would be great. So I packed up a jeep and a gutted out pop up camper, two kids and my 13th step Never been in snow. It was a wild ride. I didn’t drink, I ended up in a salvation army shelter with my two kids no car, no home no money. I will always be grateful for that shelter. In 6 wks, I had a job, a car and a place to stay with my two kids. I took a bus but I kept going to meetings to learn how to grow up and learn who I wanted to be. I was in Alaska for 22 yrs and came back to Florida. I went to meetings every day. Some days twice. I stay with people who had what I wanted to be. Sobriety is not a walk in the park for me. I had to completely learn how to live but my connection with a God I had grown to know was with me every step even when the God I had was in the meetings.
I came back to Florida, found the meeting I would call my home group found a sponsor it is not easy to be in meetings having more time in sobriety than any other woman. So I asked one lady I didn’t care for, that had the most sobriety around me. I kept thinking there must be something to learn by the way this sponsor bothered me. I hung in there with her, as she did with me, but I knew I wasn’t getting the sponsor I needed. Then at my 36 yr anniversary I discovered in my home group this sponsor betrayed me a few times. I was so shocked, I had heard of this happening before but I thought I knew better, with all my time I had, I knew I would know before anyone could do that to me because I would know by them showing me who they were and I would get away. I had plenty of warnings by the un-comfortableness I had with her, but I had always had a sponsor and they had saved me many times by doing the steps and showing me how to apply the steps in all things. I felt betrayed, embarrassed because she told the home group my personal stories. Since that time, I went to a few other meetings and someone from my home group would be there, just looking at me, would not speak. After a few times I stopped going. I have been 4 yrs without a meeting. I miss it terribly but until I can see the situation differently, I can’t bring myself to go back.
I don’t know what to do, except put on big girl panties and go into a meeting but I feel exhausted every time I think of it.
AA and the big book, steps, service, sponsorship and being sponsored changed my world. Even today I am proud I don’t drink, still learning if there’s an issue, I need to take a look at me, pray and keep walking the lesson will come.
I am ready to hear, I am ready to listen I hope God will give me what I need to hear through someone that may understand and have the recovery to help me get past this. I do miss AA.
No matter how long you have, there is always ‘more to understand’ and come to ‘believe’ again.
